A Johnny Depp lookalike pictured on the Island this summer.
THE VIEW FROM HEREHONESTLY, the things I do for you. Well, not all of you, admittedly. I realise there are some for whom I dont do a lot (and be warned, I know who you are and where you live) but Ive certainly been working overtime on behalf of those many people who have a fixation with Johnny Depp. So listen up, and be grateful. Thanks to me, the Island has, at last, the definitive answer on Depp.Weve been obsessed with the gorgeous superstar ever since the summer, when he was seen all over the Island in a chocolate shop, a bookshop, a Ventnor hotel. He was photographed alongside delirious females.The Island appeared to have acquired a fabulous new celebrity, great news not just for females who like to swoon but for anyone who needed a fete opened.Then an element of doubt started to creep in. At the very time when Mr Depp was supposed to be smooching round the Islands womenfolk, he was pictured in London. Could we have been duped?I e-mailed Mr Depps agent, asking her to put our minds at rest. No reply. I stressed the urgency of the situation. Still nothing. Was the Island doomed to be in Depp-dilemma forever?And then we were back on track. There had been strong rumours of Johnny buying a house on the Island and when the Hambrough Hotel, Ventnor, was featured in
The Times last month, its chef, Robert Thompson, proudly delivered the glad tidings: "Johnny Depp just bought a place in Bonchurch."Well! Lets book a table at the Hambrough at once! We might find ourselves supping soup next to Mr Depp. Nice one, Robert!And it wasnt just nice for the chef, it was nice for everybody, because were a bit short of celebs at the moment and Johnny would come in really handy. Then, in this emotional rollercoaster of a stor! y, a fur ther cloud appeared on the horizon.Asked in a BBC interview how he handled being so famous, Depp said: "I just dont go out very much." Im sorry, Johnny? You dont go out very much? But we need you out!We want you to come to all our events and cut ribbons and buy raffle tickets and give talks to the Rotary Club and turn on our Christmas lights, plus you have to pose with all the women on the Island and make them giddy. That means going out. Its part of the deal if youre a celeb with a house on the Island. Oh yes, and youll have to eat at the Hambrough quite a lot, because the chef gave you a mention in
The Times.Worse, Johnny never even referred to his Island connection in any of the many recent interviews he gave to the British media. I know hes got some new film to promote, but still. Was he even aware hed bought a house over here?After a long and exhausting pursuit of the truth, I finally hooked up with his personal publicist. I begged her for answers. Was Johnny here in the summer? Has he bought a house on the Island? Her reply was terse: "Mr Depp does not have a house there, nor has he recently been there."Right, thats it. I dont want to hear another word about Johnny Depp. Ive been given the run-around by hysterical women, bookshop owners, film agents, PR companies and the cook. Ive solved the mystery and now Im Depp-free. If you hear any more rumours, youll have to track down that publicist yourself. Good luck. Shes kind of scary and I get the impression shes heard enough from the IW.
Joanna will do insteadJOHNNY now being a no-no, we must obviously get ourselves a replacement celeb. My encounter with the Depp publicity machine has left me worn out and I really cannot think any further than Joanna Lumley.Still, shell do, wont she? Shes had rather a rough time lately. She used to be a saint but then the Gurkha thing went sour, with Aldershot complaining about her campaign, there was a hideously ill-timed television series about how lovely Greece is and finally! she fai led to get into the all-male Garrick Club. Gurkhas, Greece, Garrick. Youd think shed have learned by now to avoid things beginning with a G.You just come to the Island, Joanna, love. As long as you go out a lot, youll be very welcome. And you already keep a horse here, so you might as well buy a house as well. Join the WI. Open things. Best steer clear of the Garlic Festival, though.
Comments
Post a Comment